A letter

I’m scared of dying.

Even believing in God and heaven and an afterlife hasn’t calmed my fears. I’m scared of leaving my kids, of Brian getting remarried to someone so incredible that he instantly regrets spending years with me, of leaving the earth without having done so many things I wanted to do. I’m just scared of the whole thing.

Anyway, death has been on my mind lately.

So this blog is a letter of sorts. A letter about one thing I’ve learned—a lesson that I hope my kids will hear and embrace. Here we go.

To my kids:

I’ve always felt like an outsider. Groups are formed all the time, and in a variety of places, but I have spent my life on the perimeter. It is a weird place to be…in the collective group, but never really belonging. This became glaringly obvious to me when I was in high school. Everything I did or said seemed to be just a bit outside the norm.

Remarkably, this feeling of being on the outs changed something in me. At a pretty young age, I knew that I didn’t need any group support for the things I wanted to do. I was OK going alone, whether it was to the bathroom (girls!🙄) or the way I wore my hair.

My confidence grew as I kept choosing things (of much greater consequence) that I wanted, even when those things took me away from the group. At first, this would feel disconcerting, like I was doing something wrong. The pressure I have felt to act in a certain way or go down specific paths that are “approved” is intense and real. Sometimes the pressure was good, and pushed me in a positive direction. Other times, I had to move away—completely alone. This was never easy.

Your life is created by making decisions, and you will make a TON of them. I have made a billion decisions, and not all of them have been good ones. However, I can confidently say that my choices have been mine. No group made my decisions for me. No one pushed me out or kept me in without my permission first. That’s really important—remember that.

I learned to walk into the unknown, all alone. I learned to BELIEVE in myself. No one else needed to believe in me—my own belief was plenty. Yours is, too.

Life can be hard. Don’t back down from a path that may require a solo effort. Your belief in yourself is enough to start.

Believe—work—push forward.

Rinse and repeat.

Love, Mom

P.S. I really hope I don’t die soon. 😜