The Art of Speech
There is an art of speaking. More specifically, becoming a great conversationalist is an art.
When you speak to someone, there are lots of things happening at once. Aside from our body language, three main things influence how well we are communicating, and if you are coming across as charming, mean...or creepy.
the words we say
the tone in which we say the words
the timing of the words spoken
The actual words said is the most straight-forward part. The other two are full of nuances that need to be learned. For instance, your tone can completely change the meaning of the same words. Be careful with this one. It's really powerful. Anyone who has spent time around a teenager understands this well. Let me give an example.
"Oh, you work here?"
This sounds nice and neutral, right? It seems to be a question based in curiosity with no judgment. The question also opens up room for a response, which may lead to a conversation. But let's change the tone and watch what happens.
"Oh, you work here?"
Oh boy. The tone here changes the meaning, and now the question is dripping with judgment and clearly doesn't want an answer or a conversation.
We talk about the tone of our speech a lot around my house. Tone is a way to show the attitude of the person speaking. Tone can communicate sarcasm, respect, compassion, love, or loathing. What are you trying to say? If you want to have good, meaningful conversations, pay attention to the tone you are using.
Lately, I have had a couple of experiences that have reenforced the importance of the third item, the timing of our words.
A few months ago, I was running errands and had just left one of the stores. As I was walking to my car, I heard a man calling, "Ma'am, Ma'am!" I kept walking. I figured he was speaking to someone else, so I ignored him. "Ma'am!" It was louder this time, and I could actually hear footsteps. I turned to see a middle-aged man running toward me. He was definitely talking to me, and approaching quickly.
At the moment, I was a little freaked out. I had no idea who this guy was, and it looked like he had chased me out of the store. My eyes darted around, hoping I'd see someone else in the parking lot. The man caught up to me. My heart was racing. I started to back away.
"Ma'am, I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful smile."
He paused. I waited.
"Thanks?"
As I reflect on this, I think the man was trying to be nice, and he certainly paid me a compliment. But his timing was WAAAYYY off. I didn't feel complimented. I felt nervous. Following a woman out a a store, even in the middle of the day, just to tell her you like her smile is...weird.
Timing. Don't underestimate how important it is.
The other experience occurred just last week. I was mowing my lawn (a lot of things happen on my lawnmower, I know) and it was getting dark. Texas in August is a scorcher, so I was trying to get it done in the cooler evening hours. I had made significant progress, but the sun had set, and my light was gone. At this point, I had just a little left, so I decided to keep going...even in the dark.
If I squinted my eyes, I could still see the tires marks on the grass, so I followed those tracks up and down, up and down. I was super focused on my grass. All of a sudden, I noticed a black car on the road next to my house. The driver's side window was down and he was saying something to me. I couldn't hear, and tried to ignore him, but he wouldn't move his car. Finally, I turned off the blades and looked at him.
"Can you see what you're doing?"
This guy could not be serious. He waited for my response.
"No," I replied.
I was alone, outside, in the dark, and this man wants to stop and strike up a conversation about whether I can see? I turned my blades back on and finished mowing. I have no idea if he was a nice guy or not, but the timing of his question was creepy.
Speaking is an art.
What you say, how you say it, and when you say it are critically important. These three things work together to determine the effectiveness of your message. If you don't care about conversations, I suppose it doesn't matter. But let's be honest, we ALL care about our ability to converse. Who doesn't want to be heard and understood?
