Poison

I was sitting in church a few weeks ago and it hit me out of nowhere. My head was spinning, my heart pounding, and abruptly, the tears started.

This was not a pretty cry...one where you might look over and think, “oh, Holly’s having a little moment.” It wasn’t that.

My shoulders slumped forward, my entire upper torso shaking as my tears fell uncontrollably. I really needed to disappear at this moment, but I feared I would collapse if I stood on my own. I tried to ask Landon to get me a tissue, but my words came out a jumbled, blubbery mess. Brian put his arm around me to steady my shaking. He told Landon to grab some Kleenex.

What could be the cause of such a display? I was in a place where I should be feeling the most love and the most peace ever...but I didn’t.

It was hate. I was consumed with hate and frustration and anger, and shockingly, I could not hold it in any longer.

I was broken.

I have written about forgiveness before. I know we have to forgive! But here I was, having an absolute breakdown in church. The hate I had been carrying with me had poisoned me, from the inside out. And all I could do was keep my head down and let the tears fall.

So right now I am in the process of trying to forgive some people who hurt me so badly. And it’s hard. This particular instance has been harder than others because the offending parties didn’t really do anything to me...they did it to my daughter.

I had a front seat to my daughter’s disappointments and heartbreaks, her sadness and rejections. They became my pain and my anguish. Over time, that pain turned into loathing, and it took up permanent residence in my heart. It never left. It was my poison...is my poison.

The takeaway here? Don’t be like me. Let things go. Move forward. And practice forgiving everyone, even the little turds who really, really hurt your kids.

That’s what I’m going to do.

A little pic of a lotta chins to lighten the mood. That post was heavy.