A Little Blue

“The results from the scalp biopsy came back. She has non-scarring alopecia.”

The news delivered by the nurse wasn’t shocking. My daughter had been steadily losing hair since June. She has several bald patches around her head, and her once thick, voluminous locks have disappeared.

I’m pretty sad about it all.

Even as we left the doctor’s office, Norah turned to me and said,

“I can’t believe it. The one thing I didn’t want it to be was alopecia…and it is.”

My heart broke with hers. I knew exactly what she meant. I had been searching for any other possible explanation myself. I’m heartbroken…and I don’t want to feel like this.

Why couldn’t I just change my thoughts and see her alopecia as a blessing in disguise???? Like a really, really amazing disguise, but the blessing is in there… somewhere…a little deeper maybe…

Then I realized what I had been doing. I viewed my sadness as a problem that needed to be fixed. I’ve been trying pretty hard to feel better—to feel hopeful, upbeat, and just really positive about the whole thing. I tried several things: videos on my phone, a new Facebook group, new audiobooks, exercise, shopping, and eating. I did anything and everything I could to distract myself.

Nothing worked.

So I decided to listen to my own life coaching and allow my sadness to be there.

My heartbreak isn’t a problem. It’s totally normal and expected. Frankly, it would be weird if I were happy about her diagnosis, right?

I’m really sad.

I know I won’t feel this way forever, but I do today. And I probably will tomorrow.

That’s ok.