People Pleasers

I am not a people pleaser. I don’t think this comes as a shock to anyone who knows me, or has read my blog for very long. (Well, sometimes I am, but it’s not very frequent.) Typically, I say what I think. Sometimes my thoughts are rude and bratty, and sometimes they are lovely and insightful. It’s all ok with me.

I have noticed, however, that I am surrounded by people pleasers. In a spirit of understanding, I’d like to offer a different perspective to all of you people pleasers out there. This is what it’s like to engage with you.

Y’all are liars.

For real.

Here’s a typical situation that has happened and continues to happen in my house. We go shopping for clothes. Daughter tries on clothes and they are darling! I ask her opinion? She loves them, too. We buy said clothes. New clothes hang in the closet for two years, never being worn. I ask MANY times about the clothes…seriously, I can take them back! No, daughter insists she loves them and will wear them next week. Next week turns into next year and pretty soon, we are donating never-worn clothes that are now too small. Sigh.

Liars, I tell you.

Holidays can be especially exciting. Some of my people-pleasing associates act excited when a gift is opened. Hooray!! But then the gift is never touched again. When asked about it, even hinting around the possibility that the gift was not really wanted, is adamantly denied!

“No, no…I truly love this gift. I just want to keep it perfectly safe and unopened here in the back of this cupboard…where no one can ever find it again.”

Some of my worst experiences happen when a people pleaser agrees to something they don’t want to do. The problem here is that I naively believe their yes was sincere. It becomes obvious very quickly that that was not the case. Now the situation is ripe with resentment and frustration for everyone. Remind me again…who is pleased?

It’s uncomfortable to be sitting on the receiving end of this. The people pleasers in my life don’t trust me as a parent/friend to open up and be truthful. Likewise, I have a hard time trusting people pleasers because they never tell me what they really want/think/feel. Nothing I say can convince them to be honest with me. The cycle is vicious, and the result is shallow; because where there is no trust…there is no depth.

There is a real irony to people pleasing. In my experience, no one is coming away feeling pleased. And if no one is pleased, what is the point?