Regrets
About 10 years ago, something happened that truly changed the trajectory of our life. I think of that time periodically, and wish that I could change things.But I cannot; such is the nature of regret.In the middle of December, 10 years ago, I gave birth to my fourth baby, a precious little girl.
She was born with LONG fingernails. LONG. I was a little freaked out by them, because my in-laws had told me about my niece who scratched her face with her long nails. Sadly, the scratch was so deep it left a scar on her face. I didn't want that to happen to my baby.As any new mother can attest, trimming a newborn's fingernails is terrifying. I decided that I would cut Annie's long nails. Nervous but determined, I forged ahead. She was 11 days old.Things went great. She now had short nails, and my mother-heart was at peace. I did it.The next morning, I noticed some pus on the side of one of Annie's tiny fingernails. And it looked red. Hmmm.I had a two-week appointment for Annie the next day, so I decided to just bring up my concerns about her finger then.It wasn't a big deal.The appointment went great, and Annie was growing like a champ. My doctor asked if I had any questions or concerns? Yes, actually. I showed her the infected fingernail.She looked at it, then turned back to me. Her face was grim."You need to go to the hospital."What? No, we don't.She explained that because Annie was so young, they needed to be super aggressive with antibiotics. Her immune system was still underdeveloped and they didn't want to take chances with an infection.So off we went. It was hard to take her inside. We weren't going back to the maternity ward with healthy, happy babies. We were sent to the pediatric ward, and the kids there were sick...much more sick than Annie. I worried about her coming home with something worse.
She was born with LONG fingernails. LONG. I was a little freaked out by them, because my in-laws had told me about my niece who scratched her face with her long nails. Sadly, the scratch was so deep it left a scar on her face. I didn't want that to happen to my baby.As any new mother can attest, trimming a newborn's fingernails is terrifying. I decided that I would cut Annie's long nails. Nervous but determined, I forged ahead. She was 11 days old.Things went great. She now had short nails, and my mother-heart was at peace. I did it.The next morning, I noticed some pus on the side of one of Annie's tiny fingernails. And it looked red. Hmmm.I had a two-week appointment for Annie the next day, so I decided to just bring up my concerns about her finger then.It wasn't a big deal.The appointment went great, and Annie was growing like a champ. My doctor asked if I had any questions or concerns? Yes, actually. I showed her the infected fingernail.She looked at it, then turned back to me. Her face was grim."You need to go to the hospital."What? No, we don't.She explained that because Annie was so young, they needed to be super aggressive with antibiotics. Her immune system was still underdeveloped and they didn't want to take chances with an infection.So off we went. It was hard to take her inside. We weren't going back to the maternity ward with healthy, happy babies. We were sent to the pediatric ward, and the kids there were sick...much more sick than Annie. I worried about her coming home with something worse.
We waited anxiously as my baby got 24 hours of IV antibiotics. Her finger looked MUCH better, so I was feeling good.We were released and free to take her home on New Year's Eve 2008. We stopped at the pharmacy as we left to get the rest of the oral antibiotics she needed.We returned home and life went on. Her finger was completely healed, and I forgot all about it. Annie was a sweet and fun baby, and everyone loved her.In March of 2011, Annie was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. She was barely two years old.
We had a new life and I learned a TON about all things diabetes. One thing is that when really little kids get diagnosed, doctors suspect the pancreas has not been working well for a LONG time...maybe not ever.No one knows the reason people get type 1 diabetes. It remains a mystery.Over time, as I have thought and thought about this, guilt and regret have creeped in.This is why.I took a tiny baby, with her underdeveloped immune system, and flooded her body with antibiotics. For 10 days. Yes, they killed the infection, but they also wiped out all the good little bacteria she had. I didn't give her any probiotics. I didn't even think of it.Is that why her body had nothing to fight a dying pancreas? Maybe...we just don't know.I have lots of regret about a great many things, but this particular one is the most painful. I wish I could have a do-over. I just wouldn't mention her finger to the doctor, and see if it would have healed on its own. Then maybe Annie's pancreas would have worked perfectly her whole life.Regret hurts. It bubbles up now and again, filling my mind with what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. It brings no solace, and leaves sadness, guilt, and discontentment in its place.So I choose to not let it stay. Regardless of HOW she got it, Annie is diabetic. I cannot change that fact. I push the regret away and replace it with gratitude for a remarkable daughter and a renewed determination to be a better mother.Regret does not get a permanent home in my soul. Happiness does. Gratitude does. Kindness does.At this time of the year, I'm so glad I get to reflect and remember that.
FYI: I'm not anti-doctor. I loved Annie's pediatrician and know she did what she thought was best. I'm also not against antibiotics. They've healed my family a great many times.
We had a new life and I learned a TON about all things diabetes. One thing is that when really little kids get diagnosed, doctors suspect the pancreas has not been working well for a LONG time...maybe not ever.No one knows the reason people get type 1 diabetes. It remains a mystery.Over time, as I have thought and thought about this, guilt and regret have creeped in.This is why.I took a tiny baby, with her underdeveloped immune system, and flooded her body with antibiotics. For 10 days. Yes, they killed the infection, but they also wiped out all the good little bacteria she had. I didn't give her any probiotics. I didn't even think of it.Is that why her body had nothing to fight a dying pancreas? Maybe...we just don't know.I have lots of regret about a great many things, but this particular one is the most painful. I wish I could have a do-over. I just wouldn't mention her finger to the doctor, and see if it would have healed on its own. Then maybe Annie's pancreas would have worked perfectly her whole life.Regret hurts. It bubbles up now and again, filling my mind with what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. It brings no solace, and leaves sadness, guilt, and discontentment in its place.So I choose to not let it stay. Regardless of HOW she got it, Annie is diabetic. I cannot change that fact. I push the regret away and replace it with gratitude for a remarkable daughter and a renewed determination to be a better mother.Regret does not get a permanent home in my soul. Happiness does. Gratitude does. Kindness does.At this time of the year, I'm so glad I get to reflect and remember that.FYI: I'm not anti-doctor. I loved Annie's pediatrician and know she did what she thought was best. I'm also not against antibiotics. They've healed my family a great many times.