The Why

This is a story about me.

My oldest daughter and I started having a strained relationship when she was in high school. She was very secretive about pretty much everything. I felt desperate and tried all kinds of things to break her shell, but nothing worked.

Like partners on a dance floor, we took turns executing the steps we knew so well. She would retreat to her room, I would follow her and demand conversation; she would make excuses and blame me, I would yell and lay down a heavy layer of shame; she would shut down, and I would push and push and push until she burst with emotion.

We did this dance repeatedly for years.

I hated it, and just wanted her to change! UGH! Everything would be fine if she would stop being difficult and just do what I wanted!

That didn’t happen.

She graduated high school and went to college. Although the drama inside our house went down, the turmoil inside of me skyrocketed. The more she distanced herself from me, the more frantic I became. She made her own decisions, and I was personally hurt by each one. My whole life was spent worrying about her. I needed the pain to stop, and the only thing I thought I could do was change her choices. I had to control her. I called her repeatedly, neurotically checked her location, left guilt-trip messages for her, texted incessantly, and became a crazed version of myself.

She ignored me.

Wouldn’t you?

I was miserable, a total failure. I just wanted to feel better.

This story is not a fun one to tell. It’s hard to admit what I mess I was, but this story is the why. It’s why I have a life coach, why I became a life coach, and why I feel so passionately about life coaching in general.

It took a while, but coaching helped me realize that all the drama I was giving my daughter the credit for, was actually created by me.

I was the drama. 🤯

All the pain, all the suffering, all the worrying—it was caused by me.

There has been an evolution over here. That crazy mother who was sobbing in confusion on her bedroom floor is gone, and a much calmer, more loving, and less judgmental woman has taken her place. I feel better. Well, sometimes the crazy surfaces…the process is slow, people.

Even my daughter has noticed a difference. She texted me, “You have changed so much as a parent, and it’s so cool to see.”

Yeah, I agree.