Let me help!

Twenty years ago, a friend and I were coming home from a fun day at Disneyland. We both had two year-olds, and they were sleeping soundly in the back of my car.

There was a point in our trip home where we had to get onto another freeway. It was a simple transition using a left exit. We had gone this way hundreds of times, and there had never been a problem.

This time was different.

Up ahead, I could see some debris on the road. There was also a police officer in front of us. He stopped his car in his lane, quickly got out, and tried to remove the debris. Unfortunately, a surprised driver traveling at freeway speeds wasn’t expecting a stopped police car in his lane. He smashed right into him, sending both cars spinning. A second later, another car joined the collision party.

Luckily for us, we were in the far left lane and able to avoid the wreckage. We made it onto the new freeway and kept going home.

Did the police officer “help?”

In this instance, he did not. I know he was trying to get rid of the debris quickly, but his impulsive help actually created a much bigger problem.

Does this sound familiar? I think a lot of us do the same thing. Think of an ill-equipped mother who jumps in the water to save her drowning child, and they both end up dying. A life jacket takes seconds to put on, but is not used.

Why?!

Most of us are very uncomfortable with pain and suffering, whether it is our own or someone else’s. We want to fix it, stop it, make it go away. In fact, I think our “help” is offered so we can feel good—not really about the person we are “helping.”

But as we all know, some things cannot be fixed. Some circumstances linger…and even take up a permanent home. What do we do then?

We need to let pain, disappointment, betrayal, sadness, and suffering be part of our lives. It’s hard to do. It’s especially difficult when they appear in our children. But hard is always worthwhile.

The truth of it is this—helping isn’t necessarily fixing. The best kind of help isn’t impulsive, and it isn’t about you at all.

Real, genuine help can sit in the sadness, despair, and disappointment. It’s not worried about time and there are no deadlines.

So the next time you want to jump in and “help,” be ready. Let the urge to fix it quickly pass, and settle in. Then, and only then, will you be able to truly help.