Parenting 101
My son was speaking to another member of our church last week. Afterward, I got a very lovely text from this person, who described Landon as an incredible person. It was such a nice thing to hear. It was the next sentence that made me stop and really think about his words. He said we had done a great job as parents! Again, it was so nice, and I appreciate what he was trying to say.
But he was wrong.
Now we might be “wonderful” (😜), but deciding that fact based on how my son acts? That’s where he is mistaken.
So what are the criteria for parenting? Is it how many awards our kids win? How they turn out? How popular or athletic or beautiful they are? Are the high-achieving, scholarship-winning, record-setting kids the ones with wonderful parents? What about the kids who spend time in prison, get kicked out of school after school, or drink and use drugs regularly? Are their parents the bad ones? And what about the kids who are very average in every way…their parents must be the mediocre ones, right?
Landon may be “amazing” at times, but his choices and his behavior are his own. My choices and actions as a mother are my own, as well. We have got to separate these things from each other. If not, this is a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. First of all, there is way too much pressure on the children to be perfect so everyone can see how awesome their parents are. Unfortunately, these pressured parents then try to control their children’s behavior, so no child ever blemishes their record as “wonderful.” That is a lot of pressure. And it’s completely unnecessary.
What if we could set our own criteria for being a good parent, and leave our kids’ choices out of it?
It is possible.
We can do it.
My criteria for being an awesome mom go something like this:
she loves her kids, no matter what
she listens to her kids and their opinions, even when she disagrees
she teaches her kids to work hard and to be accountable for their choices
she lets her kids fail
she teaches them about God, her faith, and her values
she teaches them manners at the table and in other places
she teaches them about grooming, cleaning, and doing chores
Now, your criteria may be very different than mine. Of course! But I want you to notice that my parenting criteria don’t say anything about what my kids choose to do in their life, or how they turn out. Because of this, I don’t feel pressure to control them every step of the way. I expect there will be many failures, by my children and by me. That is life. If I can let my kids have the agency to choose, I am liberated. I have the freedom to love them, no matter what they do or say or even become.
True liberation comes when we learn we can only control ourselves…not our children.
Let freedom ring.
