Five Things
Another school year has begun, and this time of year always makes me pause and reflect a bit. This is my third time having a senior in high school. I was thinking I should really be a pro by now—but I’m not. However, I have learned quite a few things while raising my kids. Here are my top five.
Don’t compare your kids to each other, to their friends, to your younger self, or to anyone.
Remember, we are unique. Every person has his own challenges, strengths, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies. So what does that mean? It means that there is more than one way to grow up and be an adult. Let that really sink in. There is more than one way to grow up and be a successful adult. I know it’s hard to believe, but the six children I have are very different people. Their personalities are varied. They do not have identical temperaments. They do not have the same strengths and weaknesses. If we follow the wisdom of the world (especially social media), we are led to think that there is a right way—a perfect personality, an ideal sense of humor, a perfect body, a perfect home, and a flawless appearance. This is not true. Constantly comparing our children to everyone else is disastrous, for them and us. Besides feeling disappointed and ungrateful, it will be hard to see the strengths they do have if our focus is always on the comparison game. Stop the nonsense.
Don’t be reactive to everyone around you.
Teenagers have a lot of emotions. BIG emotions. Sometimes the emotional pendulum is high on life. Everything is awesome! School is great, my friends are amazing, and my life couldn’t be better! And sometimes that pendulum swings to the opposite side, where nothing is good. Ever. At my house, we have moments where even the way I drink water (well, actually it is the swallowing of the water) is incredibly offensive and causes extreme distress, anger, and annoyance. Honestly, it is not just teenagers who have big emotions. Everyone does, including Brian and me. The phrase “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” has been around for a long time. While most of us can attest to its accuracy, it is because we are all so reactive to one another. There is an alternative. When someone at home is angry, you don’t have to also be angry. We have no control over how other people feel, but we can decide how we feel. We can be empathetic and understanding without being reactive. We don’t need to escalate the madness.
It is not a parent’s job to ensure the constant happiness of their kids.
In fact, it’s not anyone’s job. No one is supposed to be happy all of the time. And yet so many parents still flip backward and forward to give everything to their kids. Ironically, children who are given everything they want, when they want it, are not reaching a never-ending state of happiness. Let failure and disappointment exist in your home. Make some room for sadness, disgust, irritation, and betrayal. Your role is not to be the great fixer of anything negative. The best lives are full of positive and negative experiences and emotions. Happiness is great, of course, but it is merely one of the emotions we want our kids to feel.
Children are not clones of yourself.
If you wanted that…you should probably look in a mirror and re-evaluate some things. As parents, we have an opportunity to teach the next generation our values and our beliefs. It is such a privilege. This is something you have control over. Don’t shrink from that responsibility. Make sure your kids know what you believe. However, you aren’t creating clones, remember? Teach your children to be critical thinkers. There is so much information available now. Kids need the skill of thinking critically…to gather information, think deeply about what they have learned, and form their own opinions.
Be an example.
Kids don’t always listen to what you say, but they often mimic what you do. So choose your actions carefully. You can talk about eating a healthy diet every day. It’s awesome. Good job. I promise your kids will remember that you ate a bowl of ice cream every night, and they never saw you eat a vegetable. Yes, the truth hurts. Children will remember your efforts and actions WAY more than your sermons.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go print this blog and stick it to my mirror so I can practice what I preach.
