A little tight
What is a relationship?
Simply put, it is any connection between two people. We all have relationships, usually a lot of them. We have relationships with friends, coworkers, family members, our children, spouses, bosses, acquaintances—even with ourselves.
It really goes without saying, but some relationships are easy. You click instantly, and everything seems to fit perfectly together. Your humor and energy match. You think alike. You love (and hate) the same things. It’s just…easy. On the contrary, some relationships we have are difficult. Nothing is aligned. We seem to be opposites in pretty much everything.
Sigh.
So what do we do?
It seems like a good solution would be to seek out the easy ones and toss the rest, right? Surely the best relationships are the ones that mesh immediately—ones that are easy. Well, the problem with this idea is that relationships involve people and often people that we love. Getting rid of people because our connection is hard is the easy way out. There is no growth here. Instead, we can choose to improve our relationships. Some of them need a little—or a lot—of work. The best way to explain how to do this is through my favorite thing ever:
Shoes.
About a year ago, I was shopping with my daughter for her birthday. We entered the mall, and I was immediately drawn to the shoe department.
“Let’s just take a look,” I said.
We walked around each display, but I saw the sale racks out of the corner of my eye. I went straight to the 9/10 rack and started looking. Most of the shoes were ugly, as expected. But at the very top of the rack a bright blue shoe glimmered in the light. No way! The shoes were so cute! I grabbed the box and tried them on.
A perfect fit! I was as Cinderella as I could be.
Without hesitation, I took the box to the counter and bought the blue loafers. It’s an early Christmas present, I rationalized. I texted Brian about my great find, hid the box in my closet at home, and made myself forget about the shoes for the next month.
Christmas Day came, and I opened one of my presents. The blue shoes! They were even better than I had remembered! I slipped them on…well, it was more like wrestled and pulled and squished them on.
What the?
What happened to my shoes? Were my feet swollen? Did the shoes shrink in the closet? Did the employee switch sizes? I looked down and saw size 8.5 on the shoebox.
8.5?!!
I about died. I haven’t fit into an 8.5 shoe since I had children! 23 years ago!
To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was utterly heartbroken. I loved these shoes. The color, the style, the material—they were DARLING. And they were too small.
I went online and looked for my shoes in a bigger size. Everything was sold out, except a size 10. Feeling desperate, I ordered the 10. They came and were much too big. I sat in my bedroom, looking at my shoe options. One was too small, and the other was too big. I’d never felt such a kinship to Goldilocks as I did in that moment. I sent the size 10 back.
I really, really LOVED these blue loafers. Tight or not, I just couldn’t return them. I decided I could wear them in short spurts. Maybe just putting them on for a few minutes each day would help. The leather would stretch, and it was mostly my slightly bigger left foot that was hurting anyway.
I was committed.
I wore the shoes whenever I could for short amounts of time. I’d walk until I couldn’t, then I’d switch shoes and let my feet rest. I did this over and over again. I was on a mission. Over the last year, the blue shoes that were much too tight have stretched and become quite comfortable. Honestly, my left foot is still tight—but remember, the shoe is nearly a full size too small! They work. My shoes are wearable.
I LOVE MY BLUE SHOES.
Can you see the connection? You may have a relationship that isn’t a perfect fit. We like to use phrases like “we rub each other the wrong way” or “we push each other’s buttons.” But in reality, the fit is just a bit off. It’s OK. Our relationships don’t need to be a perfect fit. In fact, even the “perfect” ones have bumps along the way. So here are three things to try that will definitely improve your relationship.
First of all, pick one relationship that you think could use some work. Just one. Nothing gets accomplished when we work in generalities. Think about how you talk about this person (either out loud or in your head). Do you hate them? Do they annoy you? If so, change that right now. I LOVE my blue shoes. I say I love them every time I put them on. I tell my kids how much I love them. Haha. I would never put shoes that were too small on my feet if I said I hated them everyday. Just like I choose to love my shoes, choose to love the person. Dont forget, it is a choice.
Be totally committed. Go all in. Decide ahead of time that you are not tossing your relationship in search of an easier one. (Clearly, if you are in an abusive relationship of any kind, this does not apply. This advice is for normal, somewhat turbulent at times, relationships)
Don’t make the imperfect fit a problem. It’s very normal. Maybe your relationship can only handle small connections at first. I didn’t wear my blue shoes to a three-day hike all over Disneyland, and your relationship might not handle a two-week Mediterranean cruise. Not at first. It’s not a big deal. Keep working at it in small doses, day after day.
Over time, and it may take a long time, you will find that the relationship that was a thorn in your side can become a most beloved treasure. But it may take some work—maybe a lot of work.
Just like my blue shoes.
