Winning or Learning
Twenty-two years ago I was living in California with my in-laws. Brian was busy with medical school, and I was home taking care of our infant daughter, Samantha. It was a time filled with so much learning. I often felt overwhelmed and under-knowledgeable.
One morning, as I changed Samantha’s diaper, I noticed the stubborn diaper rash that covered her bottom had worsened. The fixes I had tried were failing, and I was worried. My mom was not a phone call away, as she was in South Africa at the time. I called my brother in Minnesota. He was a doctor and I desperately needed some guidance. He didn’t pick up, so I left a message for him to call me back. In the meantime, I went to talk to my father-in-law. He was the only person home, and I figured he could help.
I asked if he had any great secrets for treating diaper rash? He thought for a while, and then said he remembered his wife sprinkling baking soda on their babies’ bottoms?
(I’m sure you are screaming NOOOOO!!! as you just read that. Keep going.)
I paused to think for a moment, and then decided it was worth a shot. What did I know anyway? Nothing had worked up to this point, and I was desperate.
I walked up the stairs to my bedroom with Samantha and a little orange box of baking soda. I laid her down on the floor and gingerly changed her diaper. After I spread some ointment on her red bum, I took a little baking soda and sprinkled it on. Instantaneously, Samantha howled. LOUDLY. It was unlike any sound that had ever come out of a baby—maybe ever. Then she began screaming/hyper-ventilating. What had I done??
It was during this moment that my brother returned my phone call. I have no idea what was said and I KNOW I couldn’t hear anything he said to me because my baby was hollering in agony. Horrible doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt that night. The guilt over my actions 22 years ago stayed with me for a long time.
Then, a few years ago, I had a coach who told me we are always winning or learning.
Winning or learning.
I loved the thought right away. For me, a woman who easily defaults to guilt, it was a life-saving change in perspective.
What if I told you there was a way to live where you don’t have to carry a load of regrets and guilt with you? What if you could get rid of mom-guilt for good? And this change doesn’t require you to be any better or smarter than you are right now.
What if we changed our worldview? What if all our losses and mistakes were actually opportunities to learn?
They are.
But learning doesn’t happen automatically when we fail. Unfortunately, it’s easy to blame others, make excuses, and abdicate responsibility. It’s not my fault! No one learns anything when this is our viewpoint. Instead, we can choose to take an active role in figuring out what went wrong, and how to do it better. One trick that helps you stay out of the blame game is to remember your BIG goal. For me, my goal wasn’t simply to change a dirty diaper or even to heal a bad case of diaper rash. I was trying to become the best mother I could be. My goal was huge! Remembering that helped me see all my mistakes and screw-ups as chances to learn and improve.
Feeling guilty may seem like it is purposeful—like beating yourself up will somehow make you a better mother. The opposite actually happens. Guilt and shame about your mistakes keep you stuck in a negative space where learning is not possible. You don’t improve. You don’t learn. You stay right where you are, and feel pretty crappy about it. UGH.
Winning or learning.
Yes, I put a powder sometimes used to clean toilets on my baby girl’s bottom. It was a terrible, painful (for Samantha!) mistake that I made. But I learned from that experience. I had five more children, and none of them got the baking soda treatment. 😳 Samantha’s bottom healed eventually, and so did my guilty heart (the diaper rash healed much more quickly, fyi).
Winning or learning.
Try on this perspective. See how it shifts things for you.
And then click below and try coaching. Twenty minutes to change everything? You know you have time for that.
Let’s go.
